I am sorry Mr. Best Friend.
You have chastised me on being a bad listener before – I know. When it comes to you, my expectations surge way above normality. After all, you are Mr. CKM, are you not? I know it is unfair to equate you with the imaginary pedestal we have all put you on; sometimes I forget that and I apologize. The fact that you are a man of science bypasses me. Essentially a man of yes and no – jargon and diction mean nothing to you when all that really matters is if you can save a patient’s live or not. I am no saver. All I am capable of being is perhaps a grammar Nazi, a lover of words and probably a stalker of the arts. My world is filled with shades of grays and hints of blue – they are never static, never certain, never absolute and I run amok in my imagination without fears of repercussion. You, on the other hand, are tied with the stagnancy of death and life, progress and regress – these things are foreign to me, scary even and it is true when you say I wouldn’t understand them. But at least I can emphatise, right? Wouldn’t you let me? I know I must not pick on you so much. Your choice of words and their impacts would be lesser than my choice of words and their impacts. After all, I make a living through words. Each and every letter holds a special nuance in my heart and while I select words carefully and affectionately, you use them systemically and with purposed utility. So, when you relegate me to the role of “wouldn’t understand” and used words like “negative” and “hating life”, you carved my heart out with a #10 blade. To use words I hold so dear against me was sacrilegious. It was profanity in its essence. But I guess as humans, we err. I am no better after all. I blame you on your diction and pick fights when I misinterpret the intended meanings you wanted to throw across. Perhaps one day I can learn to be less impulsive and emotional; we seem to be arguing more these days and fatigue is beginning to seep through. The fights seem so inconsequential and unimportant I don’t even know why I allow them to broadcast into such ugly imageries and desiccated breaths anyway. Life has become skewed of late. With so much uncertainties brewing, I wonder if we could find that camaraderie we once had. No matter though, I just have to retain some faith with me. With all my fears and your lack of them, this friendship is still dear to me regardless, despite and in spite of so many things in between.
“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
― Albert Camus