It doesn’t have to be so bad.
Parts of me have always known that if you like what you do – then what you do becomes a part of you. You will not be burdened by it. You will not hate it. You will not fear it. You might get tired because of it – we all have our discoloured days – but at the end of it all, you will come back wanting more, needing more.
This is probably the reason why I was so adamant initially. I rejected the notion of working in a field I have no interest in; I insisted on a writing-career. I waited longer than usual to get my first job (well, four months aren’t that long actually) with the support of my parents and now, here I am. Apart from this main daytime job, I freelance for three other portals. Sometimes, I wonder to myself – what am I trying to achieve? There’s still no concrete answer except whispers of something, something, something. What thing? I have dreamless sleeps nowadays: a clear sign of my exhaustion and I have no weekends because I spend them tutoring and writing. I don’t begrudge my life though. In fact, I relish it.
I have always been a planner.
I need aims and purposes to make me feel useful. I am not easily excitable by the normal. I have thought about them again, again, again and again until they fade into weariness, into blanketed expected routine of eventuality. Perhaps this is why people think I assume this mask of dissatisfaction. I am taciturn when it comes to the usuals- going for a holiday, shopping, delicious food and anything to do with living. I am aware of their ephemeral state and nothing annoys me more than people who seem to delight in their privilege to indulge in the finer things in life. Humility seems dispossessed these days. Now that I have this calculated routine going on, I like that I do not have the time to overthink things. I welcome this reprieve and new structure attached to it.
This freedom to live the life I have dreamt of, to have a semblance of choice within the cages of normality is something I will indulge in for the time being.
The finer things in life currently is my capability to be good. Good to people around me, good to my family and good to myself; attempts to be good at what I do, good in the workplace, good with self-improvement, good with living. The rest is inconsequential and irrelevant. Everything else is but a fleeting obsession of my ideal on the material world. Maybe one day, I will find that elusive purpose I have been constantly searching for. Perhaps I will embrace that attainable light joy and finally feel it make a nest in my heart. For now, I shall work hard, play hard and strive hard in life.