Sometimes when the sheets get tangled, I think about you.
When my reticent migraine strikes, I have no choice but to hold it in, shove myself deeper into my mind, embrace the pain and wonder what profanity could free me from the continual pangs of pain – on, off, on off, the symphony repeats for days. I think about you then. You gave me quite a confusion in my 22 years of living and even that intense confusion does not give me the tingles, it does not make me stay or want more from you – I have left that place of attachment and these days, all I seem to be capable of is leaving and detaching. I made the choice to move away from you. You are not special. You could never have been. Even my exes (bar the first one) were superficial and while I might sound like a cold, hard person shrugging cloaks of the past off just because they have ended, I am not. Things come and go. People, even more so, come and go.
I have just reenacted what has been playing in my mind since the first time I saw you in real time.
Yes. I have burnt that imaginary bridge. We have once again become you and I – two entities never meant to be. The crucial first spark just wasn’t there after all. You shouldn’t be surprised – I might sound heartless now, but we both know deep down, you are the one who has been manoeuvring this plaything between us, I just played along because well, I had time to kill. My apologies, for that.
I guess I have to stop now. Maybe one day, I will find that childlike wonder in another person. Maybe one day, it will strike me down. Not today though. Not tomorrow either. Not for the next year to come.