It’s like holding a shard of glass. Close your palm, and you will definitely cut yourself.
Life has taken many unexpected turns of late. All the unraveling has happened so fast, I almost couldn’t catch my breath. I wish I could say I am at a better place now, or that I am happy – but I don’t buy these philosophies. I have never believed in the notion of happiness, sadness or emotions in their entirety. They are just social dimensions of our lives. We have been brought up to feel sad when a friendship dear to us ends, happy when we land our first promotion, etc, etc, etc. Which feeling truly belongs to us, uninfluenced by external factors and derivatives? Yet. I continue to search for that true emotional belonging.
People think I am obsessed with you. Maybe it is because so little was said about you, the complexities edged between the crooks and creaks in our friendship are unseen. Maybe we did have more struggles than compatibility, maybe, maybe maybe, who knows. You are not the first who left, and I am quite sure you won’t be the last as well. I don’t know what went wrong but at the very least, I know that you are at a happier place with your deserved ideal and for that, I will always be happy for you. My younger self would have expected a more conclusive explanation but you were never good with words, and I, am no longer young. I am too tired these days to explain my version of the truth to friends. In fact, no one really knows and as I live day after day, further from you, from us, from promises of a second best-man and buddy-in-crime, all these youthful dreams fade into nothingness. The once idyllic setting is now nothing but a reminder of past naivety.
What I do look forward to, and at the same time, absolutely hate is change. This year would be one of many changes. I am moving – literally and metaphorically in a few aspects of my life. These days, I am closer to the mystery I have single-handedly begin a few months ago and these days, I am even more mellow and alone (this, i assure you, is not a bad thing, I need this to clear my confusion).