Life has never been predictable (where’s the fun in that? We are after all a masochistic bunch). I sometimes wonder if you could have been the one to make me happy instead of him. Or maybe he’s a temporary pleasure-releasing medium while you await in the dark for a more perpetual, eternal love. These thoughts are forbidden, no? Society is strict when it comes to faithlessness and disloyalty. Yet each of us has or had tinkered with that apple at the back of our gardens – sometimes resisting, others failing but always, always wary of that seemingly juicy bite.
You walk tall and straight.
You walk with the burdens and sadness of yesterday. Your hair, thick; your spectacles a delightful distraction and your hands, they are my most treasured because your hands are a three-part sonata to the secrets in your soul. There are times when the way you talk holds a certain disgrace, with hints of innocence that lasted throughout the years – a tone I hold in disscontempt, a tone I recognise as incompatible. But. Others, I sit enthralled by your confidence, your outspokenness and wonder how did life arrange itself to have moulded someone like you – why did i meet him first before you? I imagine myself kissing you, holding hands with you, sharing meals, exchanging phone calls, sharing a life – merging two dreams. I imagine all sorts of things and wonder if our outfits will match when we meet up for dates. Or if we were to grow old together, will we still smile into each other’s eyes or live in different rooms, trying to pretend that we never did have something magical in the beginning – now putrid and corrupt.
You walk tall and straight. And then I woke up.
Because you, fiction, are never one to allow permanency or attachment even when you are so much sweeter than reality. Sometimes, I am stumped by the occurrence of everyday life. Yet. Each step is a deliberate choice and each breath is a conscious decision – why do we blame everyone else but ourselves when things start falling apart?
Today, I watch my fictional chapters unravel into reality. Today, I see what could have been happened in front of me. Today, I rejected the possibilities and the realities and accepted myself. Because in life, you have too many days to fill; you shouldn’t passively hope for someone to complete it because most days, you will wait in vain. Between you and him – I choose me.
So, today I chose me.