We have begun to paper bag items
And I have ensured they
No longer faced the front
In the room
In my presence
I thought about you today.
For a long time, I welded your affections with my reconciliations and pretended they were enough to conjure dragons and mystical mountains. I accepted your love and kingdom in exchange of my fire-breathing, diamond-cutting beast and damp, macabre caves of darkness. In the end, we stripped away our pretences and figured, as we allowed our love to crack in freshly frozen bags of dreams, hopes, and ideals, my wings can no longer be clipped and your feet, can no longer be shackled.
I thought about you today
and what hit me were waves of tiredness, regret, and delusions of having nurtured the garden to be in an eternal bloom while the soil decayed, unseen, from underneath. If I could read the future, I would have sworn to turn the other way and spent all those years loving myself instead of loving you.
I figured out why my heart broke.
It took me a while (I didn’t catch on quick enough) but now that I have gotten the memo, I can’t still my hurting heart. You didn’t fight for me. You don’t fight for me. You are not fighting for me.
It may seem like I was the one who dumped you and threw away our dreams but all you did was nod and respected my decision to part. You said you didn’t want to lose me. You said I was all that you had and you wanted forevers and a boulevard of idealised dreams with me but you did nothing to stop me from going, you said nothing to put a smile back onto my broken face.
I want to read you like a book
Memorise the lines in page two hundred
Because that’s when they
Things have been changing
So did I
(I just pretended not to)
(You probably realised that too)
I want to read you like my
Revisit the lines
And the chapters
The story is eternal
At the end of it all, there were more thank yous than sorrys. Our love wasn’t a boulevard of spiteful words and a crackling pan of hurled balls of hatred. I left knowing I had more to be thankful for. You were the one who set the benchmark of a great love; you taught me that I deserved to be loved gently, patiently, and loyally. You gave me hearts instead of thorns, time instead of demands, and most of all, you gave me kind words and stillness instead of bombardments and ridicules. It was you who taught me how to be patient and less judgmental; that it is okay to give more than to receive, that sometimes begrudging the past and scrambling greedily for the future are unfair and unhealthy for my present. You taught me peace and an open heart. You gave me strength to overcome my biases and perceived flaws. You showed me how quietness can be powerful and how calmness gives strength an extra boost. In the end of it all, I have to thank you for loving me. Thank you, for changing me.
Thank you for those chapters.